now is the time...

"Now is the time to be kind to yourself both physically and mentally.  Don't start any new major projects at work or home."  This is a direct quote from my IVF instructional packet.  So, what do I do?  I get assigned a major project at work that is going to force me to work from home during nights and weekends for the next couple of weeks.  I guess this isn't the end of the world, how often are we sitting around on a computer anyway?

Friday, March 28th is probably one of the most stressful and busiest days at work that I've had since starting there.  At about 3:00 I get a call from Ryan.  A new house showed up on our MLS access.  It dropped in price by about $20,000 just minutes before, and we had to be the first one to see it.  Of course, our realtor is on vacation for the next week.  If there's a will there's a way.  We know that he arranged for other agents in his office to assist him, so we call around.  Finally, we get an agent to agree to show us this house, but not until the next morning at 8am.  That worked for us.  Now we just have to hope we are the first people to get in to see it.  Nothing else we can do but go and celebrate my brother's 35th birthday.

Before we head to my brother's house, we needed to do our second round of injections.  We were not nearly as nervous and we cut our time down by 50%.  Hardly a disruption anymore.  

The next morning, I was up by 5:15.  I had a dream that we overslept and completely miss out on this house.  My dad said he would come with us, so that if we liked it, we would be able to move forward right away.  We met at his house for a quick breakfast then we were off.  The house is just over a mile away from my dad's house.  

We pull up, and Ryan and I love it.  I hope the inside isn't going to be too much work or in ridiculously bad shape.  This house is bigger than any other we had seen.  It's a little different though, because the previous owners separated the main level and the upstairs.  The upstairs is set up as an apartment over the main house, but is it a big deal to convert it back?  According to my dad, no.  After about 20 minutes of us inspecting the house, and thinking about what work should be done, we say bye to the agent who did us a favor and we walk around the property.  If we put a fence up here... if we open the back porch... if, if, if.  

Back at my dad's house, we pull up the listing online and were talking and talking about potentials.  After about 15 minutes of excitement, we decide were gonna get our offer in asap.  Ryan calls our actual agent and he calls on the second ring while on vacation.  He knew we would be interested and told us that he would get our offer paperwork ready, as we pre-signed everything before he left, but there was a chance we would have to run over to his office to meet a different agent in case there was anything we missed.  Another waiting game...

2 hours of nervously waiting and planning later, we call back to make sure that the offer went in without any issues.  Good thing we did, because not only had it not gone in yet, our agent was having computer issues and couldn't get anything to work.  He gave Ryan the number to another agent who actually lives in our new prospective neighborhood.  She said she is out with other people but wanted to meet us in about 2 hours. Omg, were gonna lose it. 

Time to go.  We needed to not be sitting and waiting anymore.   Errands, lunch, a short nap... its been 2 hours.  Ryan gets his phone and its time to call her back.  As Ryan is holding his phone, our new temporary agent is calling him first.  Her showings ran late, she needs another hour, but she is so hopeful and excited for us.  

We get to the office to meet her and I am already feeling annoyed.  She didn't have anything prepared?  We all sat together and things instantly turned for the better.  Not only was she friendly and nice, she was confident in this situation and really seemed like she had a lot of experience with the listing agent.  So much so that she called the listing agent!  "Hi Carol, busy today? No? So you didn't get any offers on 704 Center St yet? No? Oh, this will be the first one? ok!" Ryan squeezed my hand and we were practically drunk with excitement.  This isn't our first time, so she handed us the paperwork to sign and initial and within 45 min we were walking out to wait again.  She told us that we might hear this weekend!

tick, tock, tick, tock....

8:00pm text - "still haven't heard back"

you were very brave

Tonight is the night we start our injections.   It has been on my mind for the entire day.  I think I am going to try and give them to myself because a self inflicted would will hurt less... right?  Come on 4:30... I had to get home.  We agreed today would be a no gym day and after a couple stops, it was time.

My doctor's office is super cool and savvy and they have an iPad app.  The app has so many instructional videos of how to measure and administer the shots.  I'm so nervous.  Ok let's do this.  The first shot is similar to an epi pen.  We spend at least 5 minutes prepping this one when my phone rings.  It's my sister - she can wait.  Ok focus... wipe off the area. Phone rings again...

             Ryan: Hey, can Allison call you back? We're doing shots.
             Amanda: Wait, do you know what side of the mall has Stir Crazy?

             Ryan: I don't know, she will have to call you back... we are right in the middle of shots

             (silence)

             Ryan: ok I'm hanging up now... bye.

Enough distractions.  It's go time.  We've prepped the area, pinch... I can't do it.  What a baby.  Reliable Ryan steps in and immediately takes control of this nerve wracking situation.  Boom.  I felt practically nothing.  Easy peasy - let's do two.  The other is a little more complicated.  We have to mix the powdered medicine with saline solution in a multi-step, more intricate process. 

"I'll do the prep, but you supervise me. Then you do the shot."  Ryan was fine with this arrangement and in about 5 seconds the next shot was done.  I can totally handle this.  Plus the reason I am doing this is going to make it totally worth it.  After a quick clean up, we were done.  10 minutes top and we are rookies.  By the end of the weekend we will be pros. We walked out of the bathroom and Ryan rubbed my back and said "you were very brave" and I actually agree with him.  This is a lot to take in.  My body is about to go through some incredible changes and I just have to sit back and wait for the side effects. 

By the way, I checked my phone and Amanda texted me.  "OOOHHHH Shottttts" She thought it was a little odd that we were hanging out at home, throwing back a few vodka shots on a Thursday night.  Funny how three and a half years can really change your mindset when outside of Ryan and me, she was the only one who knew what we were doing. 

This deserves a cheat dinner.

Sorry Brad!

what am i getting myself into?

oh... my... god...

I don't know what I was expecting, but as I unpacked this box I started to freak out. I forgot everything! Why are there so many syringes? Did I count 60 needles? omg omg omg.  

I probably should have waited until Ryan was home to open this, but it was too late. I laid everything out on the stove top and tried to wrap my head around this and organize all of this.  

This is scary, but I got my handy dandy folder out that told me exactly what went with what.  They are all with the right needles and syringes now sitting on my bathroom counter waiting for me.  The Pharmacy opens tomorrow!

Routine on, Routine off

Monday, March 24th we had our nursing consultation at the hospital where I will be going for the two IVF procedures.  We tried to absorb as much information as we could, but knew this was too much to remember.  Luckily, the nurse calmed us down by telling us that there is no way to remember all of this, and starting in a week they would be calling me daily to tell me what to do the following day.   Ok... one day at a time.  

As she went over how to mix the different medications and how to administer shots, I started to feel so nervous.  Ryan was as cool as a cucumber.  He will probably be administering the majority of the shots (2-3 per day) so he did all the practice.  Take this needle out, add this to the syringe, stab like a dart.   This didn't feel real.

We got an A+ at our consultation, grabbed our two folders full of prep instructions and information and headed our separate ways to work.  My big box of medicine would be there in 2 days, so its not like we could do anything yet.  

This day had gone by in a flash.  When I got home, I intended on reading every word of the two packets, but I just didn't feel like it.  We skipped the gym (for about a week already) and just vegged out on the couch.  Sunday night tv always leaves us with plenty to catch up on for Monday night.  

Tuesday was business as usual.  We went right to the gym from work where it was way too crowded and I was way too distracted to be there.  After about 25 minutes of lifting weights, I went home to read my packets.  Oh god, information overload.  

I know you don't really care about how big my ovaries are going to get or how moody I'm going to be.  What stood out the most was the following sentence:  "You should treat yourself as if you are already pregnant because we are." That preceded a list of things I am no longer allowed to do.  Such as drink alcohol (check), having more than once caffeinated drink per day (check), eat soft cheeses (ugh, check), cut back on red meat and deli meat (fine.  check), no lifting over 25 pounds until week 12 of pregnancy (what?!), very low stress workouts (such as walking, yoga, bicycle) until week 12 of pregnancy (great).  Ok... it will be fine. I'll just do 25 pounds at the gym.  

24 hours later I am at the gym again and what a joke this is.  25 pounds is nothing!  On several machines I was lifting more than double that with ease.  My routine is getting all messed up! This sucks.  I stood around there for about 10 minutes before I told Ryan I just wanted to go home.  

I walked up to the front door and was faced with a large box.  I completely forgot... 

The IVF medicine came.

the perpetual dieter

Like any female in her late 20's who is holding onto some extra weight, I am always looking for the latest and greatest diet.  A get thin quick scheme will always spark my attention.  Since starting college, I've been trying to lose weight.  That is over ten years of 'dieting' while also gaining weight over time.  Diets are the worst.  I've tried diet pills, atkins, south beach, the 17-day diet, protein shakes, weight watchers, crash diets, juicing all meals, weight watcher again (but stricter this time).  I have never been a big fast food person.  I pretty much love vegetables with every meal, and I don't think I've tried a fruit that I don't like.  I've been a "dressing on the side," "non-fat, sugar free vanilla, half-caf" kinda gal for a while and its really not changing anything.

I am so sick of feeling fat.  Have you ever been in a room with a group of your girlfriends and realized - I'm the fattest one in here.  I have.  Plenty of times.  It's annoying to see them eating what they want, exercising if they feel like it and they never gain an ounce.  Actually, the more that I think about it... a couple of my good friends have lost weight in the last year or so.  I wish I landed in the lucky gene pool of small frames and thin legs.  However, I did not.  I am not obese by any means, I am just not skinny.  I fall somewhere in the middle with the "too embarrassed to figure out my actual pants size so I will only wear stretchy pants and loose shirts" group.  

I found a pair of pants that I wore to the job I had when I was 22.  6 year old pants.  I fought with myself about trying them on, and when I did... they fit me just fine.  So... I've always been fat?  Or maybe I need to stop looking at myself in the mirror so much and start being more positive about myself.  Sure that's it.  Be more positive. 

I will take control of one aspect of my life, starting now.  In early February, Ryan realized that his work offered gym membership discounts.  He joined and told me that this place wasn't the huge overwhelming type of gym, but more of a small and inviting place.  For the price of a take out lunch, I would be able to join too (seriously, $12 per month!) and we got ourselves into a nice little routine.  I evaluated what my typical day of food looked like and figured out where I needed to cut back: 

• Coffee with flavored creamer turned into coffee with skim milk and sugar free syrup.
• Greek Yogurt for breakfast and Cottage Cheese with crackers for snack turned into a protein meal replacement shake for breakfast.
• Lean Cuisine lunch with a side celery and hummus, crackers of some sort and an apple snack switched to Lean Cuisine, celery, apple and grapes.
• 3:00 sugar craving to the office candy bowl is now 2 clementines.
• 5:15 carb attack used to be anything in sight - chips, candy, crackers and dip didn't matter... needed something before I made dinner.  With the addition of my breakfast shakes, I haven't really had these cravings.
• Dinner usually varied: Chicken breast with rice or pasta, a frozen veggie steamer and salad.  Now I make the same thing but with small changes... half a chicken breast, one actual serving of rice or pasta (that about 1/2 a cup), as many veggies as I can fit on the plate, plus my salad bowl is now a small mixing bowl.  I eliminated my caloric-heavy dressing for balsamic vinegar and drastically reduced the amount of bleu cheese crumbles (girl's gotta have her cheese!)

Now, these are just a few small steps that I made in my daily life to making the healthier choices.  It was actually easy.  I still allow myself to have crackers or whatever I want, just in moderation.  Sweet tooth Sally is still getting her daily candy intake - just not 3 packets of fun-size peanut m&ms from the office candy bowl or what ever we have at home by the handful. 

With these small diet changes and regularly going to the gym I was starting to feel a little better about myself.  I read a lot of different tips on how to lose overall fat, and the option I wanted to try the most was weight lifting.  "I don't want to get huge!" There is no way I am going to go from overall softy to bodybuilder overnight, or even in a year!  So, we met at the gym 4 or 5 days per week, put in our head phones and pumped iron.  

I am standing up in one of my best friend's wedding this May.  I am not going to be the fattest bridesmaid.  I wanted to focus on the areas that would be seen the most: jiggle arms and back muffin top, as it is a tight strapless dress.  After only a couple of weeks of regularly lifting weights, I was able to lift more and I could see changes in my body.  I love that little line of definition on my biceps.  I love that my shirt sleeves are less tight and uncomfortable.  I am starting to gain a little confidence. Keep it up kid... 

this is why i married you

Could this be more frustrating?  We are a year and a half into this and we are essentially starting over. I'm exhausted.  Physically and mentally exhausted.  Right now, anything will push me over the edge, and it did.  I don't exactly what started it, but Ryan and I got into a huge emotional blow out.  

Can you blame us?  It was the first time we let ourselves get outwardly upset about everything.  He is upset that we are going through IVF because of him, I am upset that I have to go through all the shots, procedures, side effects and whatever else even though nothing is actually wrong with me.  We yelled, we cried, we let this spill into the next day. When I woke up I was already running late, and not in the mood to talk things out.  Crying the entire way to work made me realize - can we handle this?  Do we need to seek counseling to help us find a way through this?  

Ryan works in the psychology field and understands the need for counseling.   When I brought the idea up to him, he was reluctant.  And, after a few hours of sitting at my desk thinking about it... so was I.  How awkward to be sitting at your desk for 9 hours holding back tears for the entire day.  If I let myself slip and think about what was happening in my personal life, I would get red faced and a tear or two would sneak out.  People would walk by all day - "are you crying?" and I would respond "no, I just sneezed." They knew.  

I spent the next hour or so looking up ways to cope with In Vitro and everything sucked.  Start a new hobby... join a support group... have a date night where you don't talk about it.  Start a new hobby - ok sure.  When? Join a support group - this sounds so depressing.  I imagine 20 or so couples sitting around talking about their years of infertility and the huge amounts of debt they are all in while trying to procreate.  No thanks.  Have a date night where you don't talk about IVF - oh ok.. sure. We won't talk about our fertility issues, instead we can talk about the house we don't have, the fact that our current living situation is about to come to an end, or because we are required to save as much as possible while also reducing debt as much as possible, we aren't sure where we are going to get the money to pay the 20% of charges that insurance isn't going to cover.  Give me a break.  There is no way to stop thinking about this.  I need something else.

That's when A Bunny Life was born.  I needed to express myself in a way that would be on my own time, at my own pace and, of course, at no cost.  I decided to start this blog with not much in mind.  What would I write about... who would even care enough to read this?  Does it matter? definitely not.  I wanted to tell our story from the beginning of the journey.  Besides us, I don't think anyone knows just how trying this has been on us and I think I am finally comfortable sharing it with others.  You're probably thinking: Bunny Life? My nickname for about 15 years has been Allibun.  Ryan so lovingly changed it to Bun which has evolved to Bunny.  It is our little term of endearment for each other, and it seemed to fit so well.  During the first few days of blogging, I had so many visions for this page.  I wanted to quickly get out as much as I could about the start of our journey to bring us to the current day or week.  

I spent my free minutes bouncing back and forth between searching for houses and thinking about my next post.  The entire time Ryan is supportive, patient and so caring.  He told me that he forgot how rough our year has been but it hasn't slowed us down.  We aren't giving up yet.  I am sure I left things out, but that's really ok.  The next week is about to get real, and I want to write about it as its happening.

St Patrick - Where is our luck?!

The week before St. Patrick's day, we asked for another update on our townhouse offer.  When our agent came back with nothing, we said enough is enough.  We want to back out of this mess, but first we want to look for something new.  

On Thursday, March 13th, I went on birth control pills to calm my reproductive system.  Unsure of whats ahead of us, we enjoyed the Saturday with our friends drinking green beer, green wine and ignored the diet for a day. 

The following morning, we looked for townhouses again.  After seeing 5 or 6, we knew for sure we were done with our original offer.  We  now can afford places with much more space and closer to our ideal area.  With our top two in mind, I called my dad asking for him to drop everything to check these places out.  He wasn't thrilled about either but we really liked one that wouldn't need much work.  We took the night to think it over and knew when we woke up Monday, we wanted to put in another offer.  Our agent was going to prep the paperwork for us and we would be able to stop at his office to sign and finalize everything.  

Tuesday was our official IVF consultation with our fertility doctor.  This was really an information session about what to expect during the upcoming weeks.  We learned that there will be a lot of appointments, self inflicted hormone injections a couple times per day, and two outpatient procedures.  There was nothing that we needed to do now, but count down the days to get started. 

Right from our consultation, we ran to our realtor's office to sign all the documents to get our offer submitted.  He told us that because we were dealing with a foreclosure, we would probably hear back the same day or at least by the next day.  We also officially retracted our original offer in hopes that this new one would be all we needed.  Our agent was right.  The next morning, we heard that we needed to submit our highest and best offer by 4pm that day.  Of course we scramble to get in contact with our mortgage broker to see what we can reasonably come back with, and unfortunately we went in with our highest and best and lost out.  Better luck next time...  Now we have no house lined up at all.  We are back to square one in a market that is on the rise with the inventory of properties at the lowest in decades.  awesome. 

deja vu...?

This cycle was starting the same as last month...  Ultrasound and blood work to check my levels and everything was ready to go.  Clomid started on Valentine's Day and would continue for the following four nights.  Ryan had another trip.  This time he went to Phoenix, but I couldn't tag along this time.  

There was more of the same this time around.  Pinterest dreaming, symptom crazy, waiting for a house.

I went in to get a check on my follicles and the ultrasound tech guessed that I would do my trigger shot the following day, but it was up to my nurse.  When I heard back from the nurse, she instructed me to come back in for another follicle check two days later.  Ok, not a problem.  After that appointment, I waited for her call.  Expecting good news, when she called I was wrong again.

Most women produce 1-2 mature follicles per month while on clomid.  This month, I had four.  Way to go ovaries... way to overachieve and screw everything up.  My doctor told us straight forward that it was not smart for us to move forward with IUI because the chance triplets (or more) was way too high.  OH, COME ON!  Is nothing going to go right??!  

No.  We aren't accepting this.  We talked on and off for hours at work that day talking about what we can do.  Knowing that the trigger shot can be done without the actual IUI procedure, we decided to take a risk.  

One of my best friends is getting married and this was also the day that she asked me to go to her first dress fitting.  Ryan and I spent over an hour on the phone talking about the risk factors.  What if this works? what would we do if there are multiple babies? Can we handle twins? Probably.  Can we do more? doubtful.  

So, we decided to go rogue and do the trigger shot and hope for the best on our own.  This time I was definitely not interested in tracking symptoms - shocking!  If this works, awesome! One less expense for us. 

Unfortunately, we found out two weeks later that our experiment did not work and we would be going forward with the IVF process next month. 

let's see how many emotions we can cram into one weekend

I got the news that our test was negative on Friday, February 7th.  With a shaky voice I had to call Ryan to tell him.  The amount of disappointment enveloped us.  How was I supposed to walk back to my desk and work for the next several hours?  I was so close to taking a personal day. 

Our nurse was extremely apologetic, but it didn't matter.  She told me that the success rates of the first round of IUI were way less than the statistics of the second try.  Also, that sometimes the body needs more than one cycle to understand what we are asking of it,  and that we should immediately jump back on the horse and try again for the February cycle. 

After a couple quick conversations with Ryan, I decided that I didn't think that I can handle this same disappointment in 4 more weeks.  We agreed that we should move to the more guaranteed option - In Vitro  Fertilization (IVF).  We ran this by our doctor and he told us that he is fine with it, but we are young enough that we should try IUI again, but it was up to us.  We had a couple days to decide.

We wanted to get back in to see the townhouse we put our offer in on.  Our moms hadn't seen it and were dying to, plus it had been about 6 months since our offer went in and we wanted to make sure it wasn't being destroyed.

The following day, we were able to get in.  We met our moms in the morning, and in a matter of minutes, we were standing in our future kitchen.  The house looked better than I remembered - bigger, brighter, even more perfect.  Yay!!! We sat at the Starbucks down the street and chatted away about how great this place was in so many ways.  We were starting to get happy again.

Our doctor exchanged a few emails with us and explained that if we were to go forward with IVF at this point, we would need to have a full five weeks of a dormant system - aka going on birth control pills to calm my system before the multiple rounds of hormones and procedures.  If we went with IUI, we would be able to start four days later.

We chose to do IUI for the second time.  

must... get off... pinterest....

I am in the midst of the longest week ever.  I decided that I'm pregnant, and my body will just have to learn to adapt.  I created secret boards on Pinterest and let myself dream a little...

I picked out exactly how I want my baby's room to look (regardless of the sex) - modern with a vintage touch.

 Its perfect.  It has everything I could want in a nursery.  Plus, anything I could think of got a pin to my 'Future Baby Bun' board.   From space saving ideas, to cloth diapering tutorials (we'll see on this one), decor, books, you name it, I found it all. 

I figured out exactly how to tell the future grandmothers, imagined my baby shower at my new townhouse (still waiting by the way), picked out my maternity style, what to register for, how to tell the world on facebook... This consumed my week.

Finally, its time to go get re-tested... blood drawn, waiting for the call.

It's negative.  Stop all medication, your period will start immediately.  Tears ensue.

a full year

It's New Year's, again.  Still no baby, but this time we have the promise of our first fertility treatment only a few weeks away.

Our friends who hosted last year were going to host again this year.  It's kinda their thing.  This year, though, was a blizzard.  We quickly got ready at home, with our outfits picked out a few days before and hustled down town.  Listening to doctor's orders, we hardly drank while we were there.  But we noticed, not too many people did.  We must be getting older, because for the first time in years, we all woke up the next morning bright eyed and bushy tailed.  

I wish I could say that I wasn't thinking about our situation while we were supposed to be having fun, but I was.  It is impossible not to think about it.  

Two weeks later, we are ready for IUI.  The first step is to get my levels checked with blood work and ultrasound. When they tell me everything is perfect, it is then time to start clomid.  This is a medication that causes your egg follicles to grow faster than the average woman.  After 5 days, I go back in for an ultrasound to make sure they are at the right size, and they were.  Ryan had a quick trip to Philadelphia but would be back by the weekend.  I convinced my sister to come over to give me my trigger shot - a small injection of ovidrel into my stomach. This caused me to ovulate on command so that 24 hours later, I would be in prime condition to conceive. 

Luckily, our procedure day fell on a weekend so there was no need to take time off work.  The actual procedure was a piece of cake.  Similar to an annual exam.  After about 15 minutes in the exam room, we were ready to hit the road... to wait... again. 

The next week or so was agony.  I was immediately put on Progesterone (the hormone your body gives off in the earliest stages of pregnancy).  The three days following my IUI procedure, I slept about 12-14 hours per night.  I tracked everything that could possibly be a symptom.  If you googled early pregnancy symptoms, I guarantee I had every single one you found - real or fabricated.  Five days post IUI, I went back in for bloodwork to make sure that my hormone levels were where they needed to be.  

My nurse called me back at 10am. Whoa. This was either very good or very bad news cause she usually called me around 2pm.  I could tell immediately that it was good.  She told me that my progesterone needs to be around 20 and mine was 38.5 - SO good!  Her squeals made me so excited!  I told her I was sleeping a lot and she screeched.   Now I was supposed to wait another week before I could go back in for a blood pregnancy test... 

nO Christmas Tree, nO Christmas Tree

It's December and I am getting really tired of living out of boxes... or better yet - tired of NOT using my own things which includes wedding presents.  

I have always been the sibling in charge of organizing presents for any occasion.  Christmas was no different, but I loved it.  Picking out gifts for people is probably my favorite thing.  December is always a whirlwind.  I've always said that once my birthday is over, it might as well be New Year's because the rest of the year is going to fly by.  This year was no different.

By now, every time our realtor sends us an update, it is usually something along the lines of  'nothing new guys... hang in there!'  Boo.  

Our clean out project took up the majority of our time.  It was time to go up into the attic.  There was the typical holiday decorations, old furniture, boxes filled with junk.  But this time things were different.  We were faced with 20-30 small filing cabinets.  Some were small and disposable, some tall and metal - all filled with the same thing.  Commemorative plates.  Collector's items!  Papa was probably not unlike some of your grandparents; looking for an inside deal to invest in.  Well, my dear Papa, catalog plates were not it.  We counted over 250 plates (mostly still in boxes) along with hundreds of strings of Christmas lights (also in boxes).  Once the 20 year old magazines were moved out and the boxes to every VCR they had ever owned were thrown out, it was very easy to get the attic cleaned up.  Keep in mind, this took us probably 5 or 6 days of working during every free minute.  

By mid-month, we were not into putting up a Christmas tree.  It didn't feel right.  This house has had the same tree since I could remember, and I didn't want to put it up wrong and hear the criticism.  Not really something I wanted to add to our plate.

Christmas parties were starting and it was getting really hard to not drink socially.  As someone who doesn't usually turn down a glass of wine at a party, my excuses were getting really lame.   We didn't want people to know where we were in our process because we didn't want the questions.  With the exception of my sister, no one really knew what was going on and only the immediate family knew we were having trouble, but we weren't really sharing much else.  

The week of Christmas, Ryan went in to be retested.  If his numbers went up, we were ready to prepare for our first IUI treatment.  IntraUterine Insemination.  Basically this means that they would put his best guys in the same room with my egg(s) and hope that they get together.

When we saw the right results - we were ecstatic! But kept to ourselves and had Christmas as usual.  Christmas Eve at my dad's, Christmas day at my mom's  Christmas evening with my in-laws.  A new tradition this year that my brother adopted from stories was The Magic of Christmas.  When my dad was a kid, Papa would set up everything Christmas related (tree, stockings, presents, etc) on Christmas Eve, so that the kids would wake up and everything would be there from Santa!  This year, we were going to try and do that same event for my 2 year old niece.  It worked like a charm.

Our Tree from 2012 - let's all take a second to stare at it...

Ready for Christmas - Thanks Mom!

Oh also, it has been the snowiest season of my lifetime.

Finally an update!

Our offer on the short sale has officially gone into underwriting! YESSSSSSSS progress :) :)

After over three and a half months of waiting, we were finally hearing good news.  Our offered close date would come and go, but thats fine.  We can wait it out a little longer.  November is the time for distractions.  Broadway musicals, painting classes, anything DIY and still, cleaning and organizing.

We were in the home stretch before we could move forward with starting our fertility treatment.  

Not much else to report...

a month of downs and ups

We had our planning meeting with our doctor.  He told us that with people in our situation (insurance that is not going to cover much) we need to be very cautious with how we move forward so that we aren't expecting a baby and are broke at the same time.  This sucks.  We want to be as aggressive as possible so that we can have our baby already.  Looks like we are going to have to re-think things. ugh... come on.  There were a couple of options: try to get on the insurance through my work, look for a new job that provided fertility coverage, or pay out of pocket.  The latter was not an option.  

I told my boss the whole situation in a crying closed door meeting.  She was going to do everything she could to get our benefits person to let me enroll - spirits are up.  That same day we found out that there was literally nothing they could do until open enrollment... 4 months away. No, no, no.  I can't wait four more months to get started.  There was only one choice left. 

Luckily, I work for a major company with many options in the Chicagoland area.  I emailed a few contacts to seek after any openings.  After a few days, I heard about a position available in an office that was not too far away - the exact same position I currently held.  This job was mine.  I got in for an interview and nailed it.  It was a two round interview and after each person left, they told me that they were very excited about me.  Now I wait.  I'm used to that.

Ryan travels for work a few times per year, so when there was the opportunity for me to piggy back to Scottsdale for the weekend, we jumped on it.  It was so nice to be away from our life for a little bit.  The weekly updates on the short sale were starting to slow down.  I thought I would have heard back about the job by now, but I hadn't.  As we packed for our early morning flight, I was so discouraged.  Visualizing us living in a 1 bedroom apartment, with an enormous amount of debt and a baby. Not exactly how I saw myself.  Just go to sleep...

As we are on our way to the airport, my phone dings for an email.  Probably junk.  

Whoa.  I was wrong!  It was an offer letter.  More money, better hours, and the really exciting part - full health insurance coverage after a month.   I accepted the offer and reviewed the insurance information.  Wait... am I reading this right?  'infertility and treatment will be treated as any other medical condition'  I have coverage now? I HAVE COVERAGE NOW!!!  

What a great way to start a weekend getaway with the love of my life.  This trip happened to fall about 2 weeks before our first wedding anniversary and we were going to celebrate the crap out of us.  

The last day at my office was bittersweet.  I made a lot of friends in the two years I was there, but it was time for me to go.  I was extremely excited to start my new (same) job, and was counting down the days until the insurance coverage started.

I love hosting parties.  Love it.  It was so obvious that we were going to be the perpetual host of a Halloween party since our anniversary was October 27th.  This was the perfect way to keep our minds off our house and baby situation.  Plus, it was really nice to not act pregnant.  We never knew if that month would be THE month, so since we made the decision, I acted as though I was already pregnant.  No drinking, or very little.  Limited caffeine.  Letting loose was exactly what we needed. 

At our Halloween party in our tattered thrift store outfits

no news is good news?

October 2013

Room by room, we were able to separate the actual crap from the good at my grandparents house.  This was not the easiest task to take on, but we would get on a roll.  Hundreds of trips to the back fire pit, countless full garbage cans.  The house was starting to feel less cluttered (in the behind the scenes areas) and we really felt like we had accomplished something.  

Because we were in the "lets see if the medicine you are both on gets you pregnant on your own" stage, it was nice to have something to distract our minds.  Our doctor gave us from early October to late December.  We didn't see that as a bad thing.   We waited to hear back about our short sale offer and kept busy.

Speaking of short sale offer - there were really no updates to report.  Still hopeful.  Every thing we read says we might not hear for much longer.  So, we will just move to another room and organize it. 

When we moved into this house, we decided that it made the most sense and was the least disruptive to the house to keep all of our boxed belongings in the master bedroom with us.  After about a month or so, it wasn't really a bother.  We had as much as we needed and our offered close date was just a few weeks away.

symptom, symptom, whose got a symptom?

What I am unintentionally leaving out of these posts is the details of the emotional roller coaster I have been on.  I don't know if I blocked those emotions from my memory or I just don't want to remember them... either way.  Every month since the beginning was a symptom searching disappointment.  I was tracking these "symptoms" constantly. I believed everything was a symptom and every couple of weeks, I would get a negative test and hold back my tears.  

During the early months, I tried so hard to hold my disappointment in.  I convinced myself of facts that had no credibility. "it always takes people a year to get pregnant..." or "the first time is always the hardest"  Now, those may be true in a sense, I am not denying that. 

Even after we figured out the problem, I would have that glimmer of hope of a headache "symptom" or  a million other things that I was still so sad every month.  I used to bait Ryan into giving me a guess - do you think I'm pregnant? oh man, he hated that.  When he wouldn't answer,  I would just google early symptoms of pregnancy and be all cheery in my head.

Every month I had a routine of sorts:  after my would-be ovulation time, I would immediately start figuring out when an appropriate time to announce the pregnancy to our family would be... then I would spend hours upon hours looking for the perfect way for that time of year.  Next I would look at ways to announce to our group of friends, and then facebook.  Always looking for new and unique ideas.  Then seasonal maternity clothes, baby shower ideas, and so on.  I know this didn't help my emotions.  

Everyone has told me that I shouldn't be doing things like this... think about something else.  Shut up.  No one asked you.  

new doctors, new projects

ok, enough is enough... what is going on in my brain?  We found a new doctor who would see me within a week to read my results. I went into this appointment expecting the worst.  I am sitting in the exam room for what seems like hours, when the doctor walks in.  The actual doctor.  Not a practitioner, not a nurse, the doctor... my new doctor.  He reviewed my chart and looked at me with such a confused expression on his face.
"There is nothing wrong here! If you were my daughter, I would have never sent your for an MRI"

I am relieved, annoyed, frustrated... but still, confused.

What the hell.  Nothing is wrong with me from his stand point, and yet, still no baby.  He told me there is no reason that we should be having this much trouble and suggest that we get Ryan tested.  A week later, we find out that every category that's tested in men came back bad, low, below average. Ugh.  What does that even mean? My new doctor refers me to his grade-school friend, a top rated fertility specialist, who happens to have an office a couple blocks away.

Another new office, another set of paperwork.  Our new fertility doctor wanted to meet with us together to figure out a plan.  He decided that Ryan needed to get started on some vitamins and medicine to help raise his numbers.  After that, he would be re-tested in a few months to see if there was any improvement.  In the meantime, we should just continue to try.

The problem was pinpointed, now we needed a distraction while we waited. Since we were only a couple of weeks into our new living situation, we got to work.  Imagine your grandparent's house... everything has its exact place and everything looks pristine even though they've had the same drapes for 40 years and the same couches since before you can remember. Now, open all the closets, look in the attic and basement and visualize all the crap that would be in every available space.  This was a little bit different than usual.  Papa was a collector.  He collected anything from trains, to commemorative plates, to Christmas decorations and yard work supplies.  He also had no organization in the hidden places of his house.

Looks like we found our distraction.

what a month

August 6th, 2013 - We are all sitting in my dad's family room reminiscing about our lost Papa, making arrangements, generally figuring things out when we get a call from our realtor.  We needed to sign a couple more forms, and we needed to now.  Luckily, he lives less than a mile from my dad's house, so we ran them over.  We all took this as a great sign for us to get this house... woo?  So much to think about at a time like this, it was hard to be happy.  

August 9th, 2013 - Happy Birthday to me.  Today was Papa's funeral.  Months prior to his death, he had decided that he wanted to go out with a bang.  Literally. A fireworks enthusiast, retired military airman, and someone who loved his home (which he built himself) going quietly would have been unnatural.  He wrote very specific details of what he wanted in his own funeral.  He would like all of his grandchildren to get up and say a little something, after the service he wanted  several (illegal) fireworks to be shot off, he wanted to take a drive passed his house to a cemetery where there would be full military honors with a 21 gun salute.  He got it all.  Now, I don't know if you've ever been to a military funeral like this, but man. That was intense.  Folding and presenting of the flag, taps, seeing men in uniform crying over a fallen soldier, of which whom they had never met.  I don't think there was a dry eye in that memorial park.  It certainly didn't feel like my 28th birthday, but really... it didn't matter that it was.

The next couple of weeks were a blur.  There was a lot of talk about different scenarios that would happen with Papa's house.  The common theme was 'someone needs to live there while the estate gets straightened out.'  The last thing we needed was for his house to be sitting vacant during this time.  My dad extended the care givers' schedules to get us through the end of the month while we figured it out.  

All in all, it was decided, that while we wait for our short sale to be finalized, we should break our lease and move into that house.  Being that it was only about 2 miles from where we were living, and we were the most reasonable choice, we accepted.

For the next week or so, we started to pack and bring out belongings to Papa's house.  We immediately decided that we would leave the majority of our belongings in boxes and use what the house had.  Essentially, we unpacked our clothes, some bathroom items, very few kitchen items... and that's about it.  

That Labor Day weekend, we headed north as a family to scatter Papa's ashes in the same state park that he had vacationed several times per year since the 1940s.  This was becoming a family tradition for us, and it seemed normal.  We enjoyed the unseasonably cold weekend before going back to reality. 

So there we were, less than a year into our marriage and we just moved into my grandparent's house with everything we own, and everything they owned too.   Was this a mistake?

wait... what is happening?

August 2013 - The 1st was on a Thursday.  It had been a little over a week since we submitted our official offer (which was actually a counter offer since our first was way too low - irrelevant!) and we got the call... our offer would be submitted to the bank! Yes!  We are spreading the word, and are super excited that we finally have something to distract us!

Two days later, I got a call from my dad.  My grandfather (who will only be referenced as Papa) was in the hospital, and he was 3 hours away at his cabin.  The tone in his voice did not make me worry, as for an 89 year old man, hospital visits were not uncommon.  I assured my dad that we would stop over there during our typical Sunday errands.  Ryan and I got to the hospital in the late morning that day and saw Papa in a way that we were not expecting.  Papa has Parkinson's and frequently has tremors.  When we walking into his ICU room that day, we saw a frail old man flailing as if he was having a seizure.  The look on his full time care giver's face was heart breaking.  She knew what was going on, but we did not.  Because she had been there for hours by then, she gave us the breakdown of what was going on.  Papa's blood oxygen level had dipped too low the night before, and they went to the ER to figure out what was going on.  Shortly after, he was admitted right to the ICU.  The violent tremors were because the hospital did not carry his correct specialty Parkinson's medication and he went too long with out it.  His caregiver was able to run back to his house to get it, and he would be coming down from those tremors soon after we arrived.  

At this point, it was time to alert the siblings.  My oldest brother, Ben, arrived within 20 minutes of us getting there.  When he walked in, Papa was sleeping and the nurses asked us to leave so that they could do some testing.  The four of us (myself, Ryan, my brother, and Papa's care giver) headed to the hospital cafeteria.  Who knew how long we would be there.  After some chit chat with the care giver, she asked if she could go home to try and sleep.  When we did not object, like a flash, she was on her way and crying the entire time we could see her.  Once we are back in Papa's room, we realize this is way more serious than what was led on.  I called my dad back.  I told him what various nurses and doctors had quickly spewed out to me and thought I was giving new information.  Papa has congestive heart failure and he was not releasing the carbon dioxide from his lungs... which was causing the sleeping.  About two minutes into my conversation with my dad, he tells me "he's gonna die..." Papa had never wanted to be kept alive by way of machine, and that would have been the only way. 

Many other family members were arriving by now.  We were told that he is comfortable and that he would peacefully go in matter of hour(s).  Ryan and I had been there since about 11am, but I wasn't ready to go.  Family came and went.  Some came back.  At about 10pm I had to throw in the towel.  I was exhausted and it was a work night.  My aunt and cousin were still there with us.  The thought of our beloved Papa passing away in a hospital room alone was unsettling to all of us in the room.  Ben decided he would volunteer to come back and spend the night in Papa's room.  At about 3am, I am alarmed awake by a text.  Papa had passed away very quietly with Ben, his first grandchild, by his side. 

in the beginning...

Yeah! Alright! We are going to have a baby in 2013 for sure! 

umm... hello? reality check calling...

January 2013 - time to establish a doctor and get checked out, pre-pregnancy.  We found a group with rave reviews in the same hospital group where Ryan works. score! After a quick checkup with the nurse, it was easily noticed that my vitamin D was pretty low (not necessarily uncommon in Chicago in winter!) and I went on a 4 week vitamin D boost.  Besides that, this doctor thought I would be back in a matter of weeks or a few months at most, with child.  

July 2013 - still not pregnant.  I went back in to get additional testing.  The doctor told me that if it didn't happen in 6 months, we needed to figure out why.  I got the results of my next blood test where it was determined that I had an elevated progesterone level.  "This can only be caused by a growth on your pituitary gland... a minor brain tumor."  WHAT??! Of course I am freaking out, they schedule me for an MRI and I get very very nervous OBVIOUSLY!  They were already talking about brain surgery.  3 days later I had the MRI and I  was told it would be a week or so for results.  This was also the first time we told our families that we were officially trying.

Longest.  Week.  Ever.  

Switching gears in July... We are sick of renting, and decided we are ready to buy.  Got everything ready, talked with our realtor and started seeing properties. At this point, we are trying to stay occupied and remain positive. Because we are fast decision makers, we knew after seeing a handful of properties over the course of a couple weeks, we have found the home for us.  A short sale, within 10 miles of just about everyone in our families, a little smaller than we were hoping for, but way under budget! Sweet. We put our offer the following day (after approval from my dad, the life-long contractor), and we were told to be patient. Hmm... something we are used to.  Our agent told us that short sales in general take about 4-6 months on average.  We were willing to wait.

the decision

There we were... standing in our 1 bedroom apartment, chatting while we got ready for our friend's New Year's party.  The idea of babies has never scared us, we just wanted to be settled in from our wedding before we got to business.  As I curled my hair and went back and forth over what shoes to wear, we talked about our future.  We finally came to the decision that we were ready to start trying and that 2013 would be the year we had a baby! Woo!  That night, we planned and were so excited for what was about to come.  

ahh... look at us. so naïve