what a year this will be!

We are expecting! 

It has been extremely hard to go on such a long hiatus from writing, but it was with good reason!   I am happy to announce that Baby Bun is due this December!

Everyone is elated for us, and it honestly does not feel real.  

The IVF worked on the first try.  Our doctors instructed us to try very hard to avoid home pregnancy tests because they could be false positives or negatives.  It had been about 16 days since our treatment and I had woken up with a headache that would last the entire day.  I am never one to have a headache, so after dinner, we decided it was time to go against our doctors and take a test.  I think we were both a little afraid to watch for the results, but the second we saw that second line, Ryan was in tears.  He told me that he just wanted to see it so badly, that when it was there he couldn't believe it!  I was already dying to tell someone.  Ryan caved and let me tell my sister minutes after we found out ourselves.  

After we got the happy news, we realized that our dog had been acting unusual for the last week or so.  They say that dogs know you're pregnant before you do, but this was just crazy.  The several days before Lenny would not leave my side.  In fact, a lot of couch time was spent with him draped over my mid-section - trying to keep baby warm? 

Now, I don't know what kind of intuition our friend had, but shortly after we found out, Ryan got a text.  "I had a dream last night that you were expecting..." COME ON! What is THAT?! Crazy I tell ya...

The next morning, we took another test, just to be sure.  Man oh man, those lines were DEFINITE.  How am I possibly going to keep this a secret from everyone at work?  It was surprisingly easy.  One more day and our teeny tiny bundle of joy was confirmed by the doctor.  We're pregnant!!!  We. Are. Pregnant.  I don't think that has sunk in yet.

We did what every normal couple does the day they find out that they are expecting - we got every book  we could find at the discount book store!  

Just hours after finding out!

Waiting the several weeks to tell our parents was unbearable.  I wanted to shout it from a mountain top.  It wasn't long before I found the perfect crafting idea to tell everyone individually.

Everyone got a personalized mug, even if they were already grandparents or aunt/uncles.  I didn't care.  Ryan and I got to work on these and a few days later we hand delivered them to see everyone's reaction in person.  I could cry right now just thinking about all the reactions, so for now, just trust me that it went over well.

While our mortgage is still being worked on, my dad and Jody decided the wait is over.  

On a Friday at 6pm, we got a call.  "let's move this weekend.  How about Sunday?"  WHAT!?!?!

I was just told by my doctor to not lift anything more than 20 pounds, how am I possibly going to sit idly by while other people move my things?  I am such a hands-on, controlling person... but, you'd be surprised how easy it was to hold the dog on a leash directing traffic while everyone just moved everything for me.  I probably wouldn't have been that much of a help anyway, but it was kind of nice not having to do much at all.  

By Sunday at 4pm, the house swap was complete.   I don't know two crazier people, but we decided that our motivation for unpacking was going to be hosting 2 parties the following weekend.  But, we did it!  Completely unpacked within a week, hosted those parties, and ready to start nesting already!

We told our friends Memorial Day weekend with a shirt that no one got.  

Red, White, & Blue... or Pink

It didn't even matter, once I blurted it out, everyone was so excited, and so were we! Last week we told our jobs, and last night we told the world on facebook.  

Starting to feel a little more real now... :)

a dry run

For the last ten days or so, we have been staying at my dad's house to dog sit while they went on vacation.  This is the house that we are buying, so we spent this time figuring out the best commutes and thinking about our new delivery restaurants.  The first few nights, Ryan and I thought about decoration ideas, window treatments, paint colors, and furniture options.  We started a list of what we would want to do with the house and tried to estimate the costs.  Luckily, the majority of what we want to do is paint :)  As the days went on, we got more creative.  There is an iPad app that allows you to take pictures of your rooms and change the paint colors.  I think I did this for 3 hours one night after work.  We were settled on a few color families and could not wait to get over to the hardware store to look at swatches.

We had a pretty nice little Saturday.  Walked around Lowes for a couple hours, looking at patio furniture, fans,  lights, paints, just all in all house stuff.  I think we picked up about 75 little paint cards to take home, and when we got back we played a little game with them.

First, I tried the kitchen colors - the counter top has shades of light orange in it, and we thought it would look nice to try and pick that up in the paint.  I laid out all of the shade variations on the counter and immediately had a favorite, but I didn't tell.  Next, the family room and dining room color - a soft gray/beige. Greige. With the natural light behind me, I held up the swatches again and I knew what I liked.  Finally, the master bedroom.  We've known for a long time that our room would be a lavender-type purple shade, we just needed to pick the perfect one.  I brought the color chips up with me and knew my favorite instantly.

Now is the fun part... seeing what colors Ryan likes compared to mine.  Now, I have always been a quick decision maker - bought the first wedding dress I tried on, picked the first venue we looked at, etc.  Maybe I just know what I like.  Ryan has always been a 'pick my top choices' kinda guy, lets just see what he picks.

Kitchen:  "I like this shade (different), but this one is really the best (my choice too!)"
Family Room: "I feel like we are grasping at straws here, they are all pretty much the same... wait, this one is too blue, this one is kind of green... I'm going to pick this one (samesies)"
Master Bedroom:  "Oh, this one is much easier.  This one (yup, you guessed it!)."

Obviously we are meant for each other, we have the same taste in paints! I wish we could fast forward a few weeks to get started on everything.  We want to paint, pack, move, FINALLY be settled with our own belongings again.  

All week we were picking out which cabinets would house our kitchen items.  What size couch we want to get, what we are going to put in all of the storage areas that are pretty much everywhere, thinking about how great it will be to have a garage for the first time!

Easter Sunday was fun! We had a mini egg hunt for my niece at my mom's house, Easter brunch and baskets there as well, and then just some relax time.  After Ryan and I left, we had plans to wander around Ikea for the afternoon to look for more ideas.  Some people will tell you that Ikea furniture is crap and it is such a pain to build themselves.  Those people are lazy!  Yes, Ikea does have some sub-par, wouldn't even bother in a dorm room furniture, but for slightly more money, they have some very good quality items (maybe I should work there!).  

First stop on the Ikea tour: Living room furniture.  Ugly. Ugly. Too small. Ugly. Too Big.  Perfect, but its probably not comfortable.  But it is comfortable, and its perfect.  L shape sectional, not too tall, great charcoal gray color... hmm.  We wrote down the information for this lovely couch, along with an arm chair, some barstools for our breakfast bar, a chaise lounger for our possible reading room, a couple of area rugs, and a few other odds and ends.  

This is like torture.  In the chant of the 7th grade cheerleader of my former self: 

Let's Go! Let's Go! L-E-T-S-G-O!

it's really happening!

5:30am on Saturday - we wake up to the splashing sounds of a sick dog vomiting on the floor.  Ryan cleans it up and startles me awake a few minutes later - THE BASEMENT IS FLOODED WAKE UP! Great. We have to be out the door in like 20 minutes and there is 5 inches of water in the basement.  After a quick survey, we call my dad. No answer.  We didn't have a plan... ok, call again.  Nothing like waking your dad up with news like this on a Saturday morning!  They would be over soon to figure things out.  

After we get back from the quick appointment, we had about 5 hours of clean up ahead of us.  We were on a roll.  Wet cardboard? get rid of it!  This was the perfect excuse for us to to the major cleanup that the basement needed.  We got as much of the dry items up high, and peeled away at the wet stuff.  There wasn't really much damage.  We were able to catch everything before that happened.  It was only noon by the time we finished - not bad!

Dad and Jody headed out to the yard for some gardening prep, so we joined them.  Quite possibly the most productive day we've had in months!

So, its been over a week and we are still going to be buying my dad's house.  I am waiting for something to screw this up, but we got our purchase agreement yesterday, so we're hopeful :)   There really isn't much left standing in our way.  Too many hours on pinterest have made me consider and reconsider countless paint swatches and style ideas.  Luckily, we don't really have to decide anything like that immediately.  

Two days ago, I had my egg retrieval.  I'm in a constant pain and bloated state and I can't wait for this to be over. The doctors have given me instruction to keep it off my mind.  The next few weeks are going to be an emotional roller coaster and I need to keep myself busy.  The good news is, they would like me to retain water by eating salty snacks and drinking Gatorade and V8.  The bad news is the bloating.  I am also very tired from this procedure - I have considered napping in my car during work on more than one occasion. For now though, we are done talking about that.  When I have news to share, I will share it. 

April Fools!

I know you are sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation... WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT HOUSE?!?!

Sunday morning, we got a call from the agent who wrote up our offer.  There were 2 minor questions and she said that we should expect a signed contract tonight! GET OUT! (Seinfeld reference) So, what you're saying is, after a mere 24 hours after we saw the house for the first time, we were under contract?  That's exactly what I'm saying.  Finally.  Something was going smoothly.  We hoped to get back in the house Sunday to take some measurements and get a floor plan going, but we had to wait until Monday after work.  No biggie.  We spent Sunday doing exactly what we were told... Dropped off the earnest money, scheduled a home inspection, jumped for joy! With the help of a group text message, word about our new adventure was spreading quickly!  There was nothing else we could do but wait, so we did knowing that it was going to be a short one this time.

Monday started my first day of daily doctor appointments.    In an effort to not allow these appointments interfere with my daily routine, I decided that the 6:30am appointments would be best.  This basically means that I need to be out of the house before I would normally wake up.  Needs coffee..... oh wait, never mind.  Before I even get to work on Monday, I get a text from 2 co-workers.  They are calling in sick today.  I get into work and my boss emailed - I have to cover BOTH of their responsibilities as well as my own.  This whole idea of being calm for the next couple of weeks is really starting to be a joke.  

I got a call from my doctor's office and my body is responding extremely well to the injections and, so far, things look like they will be going according to schedule.  Super Duper! Even though I had done more work in the first 6 hours of the day than I had for the entire previous week, that was exactly the news I wanted to hear.  I needed to fly through the remainder of the work so that I can fantasize about our new home and look up decor ideas and color palettes.  I fell in love with a vintage scheme at about 4:25pm and I knew I wouldn't be able to last the remaining 5 minutes of my work day, so I was off.

Ryan and I were meeting my dad, Jody and the agent at the new house so I took the route that would be my new commute.  5 minutes closer.  I got there in a flash, and Ryan was waiting.  We were early, so we started walking around to plan our yard.  Not even 3 minutes later, my dad and Jody pulled up and I could instantly tell that something was up.  Boy, was I right....

My dad realized that after some careful consideration, this house is going to be a lot of work.  We will always be working on it, because we don't have the $100,000 that it would take to fix everything at once.  The initial "must-do" items were already going to leave us short changed.  It didn't take long before I was holding back tears and we didn't even get into the house yet.  Am I upset about this house or that its another bump in the road?  My money is on the bump.  

It became increasingly hard for me to listen.  All I could hear is that this house was a piece of crap, and I just wanted to get back in the car and go home.  It wouldn't be a serious conversation with my dad without a "but..." and this one was no exception.  My dad and Jody talked and they wanted to give us the option to buy their house.  We talked figures and then it was time to go into the house we were all standing in front of.  Measure, measure, measure, downstairs, upstairs... hmmm... this house has kinda lost its luster.  More measuring... this is going to be a lot of work.  A few more minutes of chatting and we are all in our own cars again.  Ryan and I talked the entire 20 minute car ride from the new house to Papa's house.  The Pros of Dad's house immensely outweighed the Pros of the new house.  We knew every secret Dad's house has.  Plus, any work that was done on the house was done the right way and professionally.  Not to mention, the kitchen is bigger than most people's living rooms!

We didn't need much convincing.  We had already lived in this house, twice.  From the beginning of our search we said how cool it would be to be able to buy that house, but never could figure out a way to do it.  We all met in the Family Room of Papa's house to figure things out.  Can we even get out of our current contract without losing our money?  After about an hour of back and forth we were alone with our thoughts and thoroughly confused.  Lots to think about and not much time to make the decision.  Our first call was to our Mortgage guy.  8:00pm and he answered on the second ring.  This guy is awesome.  We explained the situation and he said he would try and figure out a way and get back to us tonight.  Second call was to our actual realtor who is still on vacation.  Explained again and he said that we have 5 days from Sunday to get out without question.  Not even 5 minutes later our Mortgage guy called back.  It can be done.  

Dad: Hello?! We JUST left there!
Me:  We're in.

11 things I am really getting sick of hearing

"Just relax."

So, it's my fault, huh?  Relax?! Why didn't I think of that??? You are obviously a fertility genius.  All I have to do is relax... And all this time I thought my doctor knew what he was talking about. You are the 1,000th person to ever say this to me, and I hate it just as much.

"Don't give up, it will happen."

Do you know how painful this one is? I don't think you do.  You telling me that it will happen is just a reminder that there is a significant chance that it won't.  Thanks for that.  You're a peach.

"Isn't that really expensive?"

Yes, it is. While we are on the topic of money, how much was your car? What do you pay in rent? How much do you make?  A little too invasive? Oh, sorry.  Unless you are offering a donation, I really don't want to discuss my finances with you.

"Are you sure you want kids?"

No, I'm not sure.  Your kid is acting out you turn to me to ask that asinine comment? I've been going through all of this even though I might not be sure.  Trust me, I know all the bad that comes with the good of a baby. 

"I know someone who went through this..."

You are trying to make me feel better by pointing out someone else's pain.  This is not helpful at all.  I don't care that your hair dresser's neighbor went through 6 rounds of IVF before it worked.  Now all I can think about is multiple rounds of IVF, jerk.

"You could just adopt"

Just adopt? Oh yes, I will go down to the baby store and pick out a kid tomorrow after work.  Do you think we haven't thought of this? Why would you think that this is a better choice than having my own biological child?  Don't bring it up again.

"How many are you going to put back up there?"

Why do you care so much? First of all, this isn't even up to me. Do you think I am going to put 10 embryos in there? Get a clue.

"Are you going to be like Octomom?"

Yes.  That is exactly who I am striving to be.  Obviously you get me, lets keep this conversation going.

"You're thinking about it too much"

I am sure that my ovaries can hear my thoughts and are plotting against me. What would you like me to think about instead?  Oh, your friend got a surprise pregnancy because they weren't thinking about it? Please, tell me more...

"So, is this going to be a test-tube baby?"

You ignorant slut.  Why don't you do yourself a favor and google it.  I don't even have words.

"I hope there isn't a mix up at the lab"

You don't think I am already worried about that? I have read the horror stories about IVF mix ups.  Great.  Now I am panicking about having an Asian baby... not that there's anything wrong with that.

now is the time...

"Now is the time to be kind to yourself both physically and mentally.  Don't start any new major projects at work or home."  This is a direct quote from my IVF instructional packet.  So, what do I do?  I get assigned a major project at work that is going to force me to work from home during nights and weekends for the next couple of weeks.  I guess this isn't the end of the world, how often are we sitting around on a computer anyway?

Friday, March 28th is probably one of the most stressful and busiest days at work that I've had since starting there.  At about 3:00 I get a call from Ryan.  A new house showed up on our MLS access.  It dropped in price by about $20,000 just minutes before, and we had to be the first one to see it.  Of course, our realtor is on vacation for the next week.  If there's a will there's a way.  We know that he arranged for other agents in his office to assist him, so we call around.  Finally, we get an agent to agree to show us this house, but not until the next morning at 8am.  That worked for us.  Now we just have to hope we are the first people to get in to see it.  Nothing else we can do but go and celebrate my brother's 35th birthday.

Before we head to my brother's house, we needed to do our second round of injections.  We were not nearly as nervous and we cut our time down by 50%.  Hardly a disruption anymore.  

The next morning, I was up by 5:15.  I had a dream that we overslept and completely miss out on this house.  My dad said he would come with us, so that if we liked it, we would be able to move forward right away.  We met at his house for a quick breakfast then we were off.  The house is just over a mile away from my dad's house.  

We pull up, and Ryan and I love it.  I hope the inside isn't going to be too much work or in ridiculously bad shape.  This house is bigger than any other we had seen.  It's a little different though, because the previous owners separated the main level and the upstairs.  The upstairs is set up as an apartment over the main house, but is it a big deal to convert it back?  According to my dad, no.  After about 20 minutes of us inspecting the house, and thinking about what work should be done, we say bye to the agent who did us a favor and we walk around the property.  If we put a fence up here... if we open the back porch... if, if, if.  

Back at my dad's house, we pull up the listing online and were talking and talking about potentials.  After about 15 minutes of excitement, we decide were gonna get our offer in asap.  Ryan calls our actual agent and he calls on the second ring while on vacation.  He knew we would be interested and told us that he would get our offer paperwork ready, as we pre-signed everything before he left, but there was a chance we would have to run over to his office to meet a different agent in case there was anything we missed.  Another waiting game...

2 hours of nervously waiting and planning later, we call back to make sure that the offer went in without any issues.  Good thing we did, because not only had it not gone in yet, our agent was having computer issues and couldn't get anything to work.  He gave Ryan the number to another agent who actually lives in our new prospective neighborhood.  She said she is out with other people but wanted to meet us in about 2 hours. Omg, were gonna lose it. 

Time to go.  We needed to not be sitting and waiting anymore.   Errands, lunch, a short nap... its been 2 hours.  Ryan gets his phone and its time to call her back.  As Ryan is holding his phone, our new temporary agent is calling him first.  Her showings ran late, she needs another hour, but she is so hopeful and excited for us.  

We get to the office to meet her and I am already feeling annoyed.  She didn't have anything prepared?  We all sat together and things instantly turned for the better.  Not only was she friendly and nice, she was confident in this situation and really seemed like she had a lot of experience with the listing agent.  So much so that she called the listing agent!  "Hi Carol, busy today? No? So you didn't get any offers on 704 Center St yet? No? Oh, this will be the first one? ok!" Ryan squeezed my hand and we were practically drunk with excitement.  This isn't our first time, so she handed us the paperwork to sign and initial and within 45 min we were walking out to wait again.  She told us that we might hear this weekend!

tick, tock, tick, tock....

8:00pm text - "still haven't heard back"

you were very brave

Tonight is the night we start our injections.   It has been on my mind for the entire day.  I think I am going to try and give them to myself because a self inflicted would will hurt less... right?  Come on 4:30... I had to get home.  We agreed today would be a no gym day and after a couple stops, it was time.

My doctor's office is super cool and savvy and they have an iPad app.  The app has so many instructional videos of how to measure and administer the shots.  I'm so nervous.  Ok let's do this.  The first shot is similar to an epi pen.  We spend at least 5 minutes prepping this one when my phone rings.  It's my sister - she can wait.  Ok focus... wipe off the area. Phone rings again...

             Ryan: Hey, can Allison call you back? We're doing shots.
             Amanda: Wait, do you know what side of the mall has Stir Crazy?

             Ryan: I don't know, she will have to call you back... we are right in the middle of shots

             (silence)

             Ryan: ok I'm hanging up now... bye.

Enough distractions.  It's go time.  We've prepped the area, pinch... I can't do it.  What a baby.  Reliable Ryan steps in and immediately takes control of this nerve wracking situation.  Boom.  I felt practically nothing.  Easy peasy - let's do two.  The other is a little more complicated.  We have to mix the powdered medicine with saline solution in a multi-step, more intricate process. 

"I'll do the prep, but you supervise me. Then you do the shot."  Ryan was fine with this arrangement and in about 5 seconds the next shot was done.  I can totally handle this.  Plus the reason I am doing this is going to make it totally worth it.  After a quick clean up, we were done.  10 minutes top and we are rookies.  By the end of the weekend we will be pros. We walked out of the bathroom and Ryan rubbed my back and said "you were very brave" and I actually agree with him.  This is a lot to take in.  My body is about to go through some incredible changes and I just have to sit back and wait for the side effects. 

By the way, I checked my phone and Amanda texted me.  "OOOHHHH Shottttts" She thought it was a little odd that we were hanging out at home, throwing back a few vodka shots on a Thursday night.  Funny how three and a half years can really change your mindset when outside of Ryan and me, she was the only one who knew what we were doing. 

This deserves a cheat dinner.

Sorry Brad!

what am i getting myself into?

oh... my... god...

I don't know what I was expecting, but as I unpacked this box I started to freak out. I forgot everything! Why are there so many syringes? Did I count 60 needles? omg omg omg.  

I probably should have waited until Ryan was home to open this, but it was too late. I laid everything out on the stove top and tried to wrap my head around this and organize all of this.  

This is scary, but I got my handy dandy folder out that told me exactly what went with what.  They are all with the right needles and syringes now sitting on my bathroom counter waiting for me.  The Pharmacy opens tomorrow!

Routine on, Routine off

Monday, March 24th we had our nursing consultation at the hospital where I will be going for the two IVF procedures.  We tried to absorb as much information as we could, but knew this was too much to remember.  Luckily, the nurse calmed us down by telling us that there is no way to remember all of this, and starting in a week they would be calling me daily to tell me what to do the following day.   Ok... one day at a time.  

As she went over how to mix the different medications and how to administer shots, I started to feel so nervous.  Ryan was as cool as a cucumber.  He will probably be administering the majority of the shots (2-3 per day) so he did all the practice.  Take this needle out, add this to the syringe, stab like a dart.   This didn't feel real.

We got an A+ at our consultation, grabbed our two folders full of prep instructions and information and headed our separate ways to work.  My big box of medicine would be there in 2 days, so its not like we could do anything yet.  

This day had gone by in a flash.  When I got home, I intended on reading every word of the two packets, but I just didn't feel like it.  We skipped the gym (for about a week already) and just vegged out on the couch.  Sunday night tv always leaves us with plenty to catch up on for Monday night.  

Tuesday was business as usual.  We went right to the gym from work where it was way too crowded and I was way too distracted to be there.  After about 25 minutes of lifting weights, I went home to read my packets.  Oh god, information overload.  

I know you don't really care about how big my ovaries are going to get or how moody I'm going to be.  What stood out the most was the following sentence:  "You should treat yourself as if you are already pregnant because we are." That preceded a list of things I am no longer allowed to do.  Such as drink alcohol (check), having more than once caffeinated drink per day (check), eat soft cheeses (ugh, check), cut back on red meat and deli meat (fine.  check), no lifting over 25 pounds until week 12 of pregnancy (what?!), very low stress workouts (such as walking, yoga, bicycle) until week 12 of pregnancy (great).  Ok... it will be fine. I'll just do 25 pounds at the gym.  

24 hours later I am at the gym again and what a joke this is.  25 pounds is nothing!  On several machines I was lifting more than double that with ease.  My routine is getting all messed up! This sucks.  I stood around there for about 10 minutes before I told Ryan I just wanted to go home.  

I walked up to the front door and was faced with a large box.  I completely forgot... 

The IVF medicine came.

the perpetual dieter

Like any female in her late 20's who is holding onto some extra weight, I am always looking for the latest and greatest diet.  A get thin quick scheme will always spark my attention.  Since starting college, I've been trying to lose weight.  That is over ten years of 'dieting' while also gaining weight over time.  Diets are the worst.  I've tried diet pills, atkins, south beach, the 17-day diet, protein shakes, weight watchers, crash diets, juicing all meals, weight watcher again (but stricter this time).  I have never been a big fast food person.  I pretty much love vegetables with every meal, and I don't think I've tried a fruit that I don't like.  I've been a "dressing on the side," "non-fat, sugar free vanilla, half-caf" kinda gal for a while and its really not changing anything.

I am so sick of feeling fat.  Have you ever been in a room with a group of your girlfriends and realized - I'm the fattest one in here.  I have.  Plenty of times.  It's annoying to see them eating what they want, exercising if they feel like it and they never gain an ounce.  Actually, the more that I think about it... a couple of my good friends have lost weight in the last year or so.  I wish I landed in the lucky gene pool of small frames and thin legs.  However, I did not.  I am not obese by any means, I am just not skinny.  I fall somewhere in the middle with the "too embarrassed to figure out my actual pants size so I will only wear stretchy pants and loose shirts" group.  

I found a pair of pants that I wore to the job I had when I was 22.  6 year old pants.  I fought with myself about trying them on, and when I did... they fit me just fine.  So... I've always been fat?  Or maybe I need to stop looking at myself in the mirror so much and start being more positive about myself.  Sure that's it.  Be more positive. 

I will take control of one aspect of my life, starting now.  In early February, Ryan realized that his work offered gym membership discounts.  He joined and told me that this place wasn't the huge overwhelming type of gym, but more of a small and inviting place.  For the price of a take out lunch, I would be able to join too (seriously, $12 per month!) and we got ourselves into a nice little routine.  I evaluated what my typical day of food looked like and figured out where I needed to cut back: 

• Coffee with flavored creamer turned into coffee with skim milk and sugar free syrup.
• Greek Yogurt for breakfast and Cottage Cheese with crackers for snack turned into a protein meal replacement shake for breakfast.
• Lean Cuisine lunch with a side celery and hummus, crackers of some sort and an apple snack switched to Lean Cuisine, celery, apple and grapes.
• 3:00 sugar craving to the office candy bowl is now 2 clementines.
• 5:15 carb attack used to be anything in sight - chips, candy, crackers and dip didn't matter... needed something before I made dinner.  With the addition of my breakfast shakes, I haven't really had these cravings.
• Dinner usually varied: Chicken breast with rice or pasta, a frozen veggie steamer and salad.  Now I make the same thing but with small changes... half a chicken breast, one actual serving of rice or pasta (that about 1/2 a cup), as many veggies as I can fit on the plate, plus my salad bowl is now a small mixing bowl.  I eliminated my caloric-heavy dressing for balsamic vinegar and drastically reduced the amount of bleu cheese crumbles (girl's gotta have her cheese!)

Now, these are just a few small steps that I made in my daily life to making the healthier choices.  It was actually easy.  I still allow myself to have crackers or whatever I want, just in moderation.  Sweet tooth Sally is still getting her daily candy intake - just not 3 packets of fun-size peanut m&ms from the office candy bowl or what ever we have at home by the handful. 

With these small diet changes and regularly going to the gym I was starting to feel a little better about myself.  I read a lot of different tips on how to lose overall fat, and the option I wanted to try the most was weight lifting.  "I don't want to get huge!" There is no way I am going to go from overall softy to bodybuilder overnight, or even in a year!  So, we met at the gym 4 or 5 days per week, put in our head phones and pumped iron.  

I am standing up in one of my best friend's wedding this May.  I am not going to be the fattest bridesmaid.  I wanted to focus on the areas that would be seen the most: jiggle arms and back muffin top, as it is a tight strapless dress.  After only a couple of weeks of regularly lifting weights, I was able to lift more and I could see changes in my body.  I love that little line of definition on my biceps.  I love that my shirt sleeves are less tight and uncomfortable.  I am starting to gain a little confidence. Keep it up kid... 

this is why i married you

Could this be more frustrating?  We are a year and a half into this and we are essentially starting over. I'm exhausted.  Physically and mentally exhausted.  Right now, anything will push me over the edge, and it did.  I don't exactly what started it, but Ryan and I got into a huge emotional blow out.  

Can you blame us?  It was the first time we let ourselves get outwardly upset about everything.  He is upset that we are going through IVF because of him, I am upset that I have to go through all the shots, procedures, side effects and whatever else even though nothing is actually wrong with me.  We yelled, we cried, we let this spill into the next day. When I woke up I was already running late, and not in the mood to talk things out.  Crying the entire way to work made me realize - can we handle this?  Do we need to seek counseling to help us find a way through this?  

Ryan works in the psychology field and understands the need for counseling.   When I brought the idea up to him, he was reluctant.  And, after a few hours of sitting at my desk thinking about it... so was I.  How awkward to be sitting at your desk for 9 hours holding back tears for the entire day.  If I let myself slip and think about what was happening in my personal life, I would get red faced and a tear or two would sneak out.  People would walk by all day - "are you crying?" and I would respond "no, I just sneezed." They knew.  

I spent the next hour or so looking up ways to cope with In Vitro and everything sucked.  Start a new hobby... join a support group... have a date night where you don't talk about it.  Start a new hobby - ok sure.  When? Join a support group - this sounds so depressing.  I imagine 20 or so couples sitting around talking about their years of infertility and the huge amounts of debt they are all in while trying to procreate.  No thanks.  Have a date night where you don't talk about IVF - oh ok.. sure. We won't talk about our fertility issues, instead we can talk about the house we don't have, the fact that our current living situation is about to come to an end, or because we are required to save as much as possible while also reducing debt as much as possible, we aren't sure where we are going to get the money to pay the 20% of charges that insurance isn't going to cover.  Give me a break.  There is no way to stop thinking about this.  I need something else.

That's when A Bunny Life was born.  I needed to express myself in a way that would be on my own time, at my own pace and, of course, at no cost.  I decided to start this blog with not much in mind.  What would I write about... who would even care enough to read this?  Does it matter? definitely not.  I wanted to tell our story from the beginning of the journey.  Besides us, I don't think anyone knows just how trying this has been on us and I think I am finally comfortable sharing it with others.  You're probably thinking: Bunny Life? My nickname for about 15 years has been Allibun.  Ryan so lovingly changed it to Bun which has evolved to Bunny.  It is our little term of endearment for each other, and it seemed to fit so well.  During the first few days of blogging, I had so many visions for this page.  I wanted to quickly get out as much as I could about the start of our journey to bring us to the current day or week.  

I spent my free minutes bouncing back and forth between searching for houses and thinking about my next post.  The entire time Ryan is supportive, patient and so caring.  He told me that he forgot how rough our year has been but it hasn't slowed us down.  We aren't giving up yet.  I am sure I left things out, but that's really ok.  The next week is about to get real, and I want to write about it as its happening.

St Patrick - Where is our luck?!

The week before St. Patrick's day, we asked for another update on our townhouse offer.  When our agent came back with nothing, we said enough is enough.  We want to back out of this mess, but first we want to look for something new.  

On Thursday, March 13th, I went on birth control pills to calm my reproductive system.  Unsure of whats ahead of us, we enjoyed the Saturday with our friends drinking green beer, green wine and ignored the diet for a day. 

The following morning, we looked for townhouses again.  After seeing 5 or 6, we knew for sure we were done with our original offer.  We  now can afford places with much more space and closer to our ideal area.  With our top two in mind, I called my dad asking for him to drop everything to check these places out.  He wasn't thrilled about either but we really liked one that wouldn't need much work.  We took the night to think it over and knew when we woke up Monday, we wanted to put in another offer.  Our agent was going to prep the paperwork for us and we would be able to stop at his office to sign and finalize everything.  

Tuesday was our official IVF consultation with our fertility doctor.  This was really an information session about what to expect during the upcoming weeks.  We learned that there will be a lot of appointments, self inflicted hormone injections a couple times per day, and two outpatient procedures.  There was nothing that we needed to do now, but count down the days to get started. 

Right from our consultation, we ran to our realtor's office to sign all the documents to get our offer submitted.  He told us that because we were dealing with a foreclosure, we would probably hear back the same day or at least by the next day.  We also officially retracted our original offer in hopes that this new one would be all we needed.  Our agent was right.  The next morning, we heard that we needed to submit our highest and best offer by 4pm that day.  Of course we scramble to get in contact with our mortgage broker to see what we can reasonably come back with, and unfortunately we went in with our highest and best and lost out.  Better luck next time...  Now we have no house lined up at all.  We are back to square one in a market that is on the rise with the inventory of properties at the lowest in decades.  awesome. 

deja vu...?

This cycle was starting the same as last month...  Ultrasound and blood work to check my levels and everything was ready to go.  Clomid started on Valentine's Day and would continue for the following four nights.  Ryan had another trip.  This time he went to Phoenix, but I couldn't tag along this time.  

There was more of the same this time around.  Pinterest dreaming, symptom crazy, waiting for a house.

I went in to get a check on my follicles and the ultrasound tech guessed that I would do my trigger shot the following day, but it was up to my nurse.  When I heard back from the nurse, she instructed me to come back in for another follicle check two days later.  Ok, not a problem.  After that appointment, I waited for her call.  Expecting good news, when she called I was wrong again.

Most women produce 1-2 mature follicles per month while on clomid.  This month, I had four.  Way to go ovaries... way to overachieve and screw everything up.  My doctor told us straight forward that it was not smart for us to move forward with IUI because the chance triplets (or more) was way too high.  OH, COME ON!  Is nothing going to go right??!  

No.  We aren't accepting this.  We talked on and off for hours at work that day talking about what we can do.  Knowing that the trigger shot can be done without the actual IUI procedure, we decided to take a risk.  

One of my best friends is getting married and this was also the day that she asked me to go to her first dress fitting.  Ryan and I spent over an hour on the phone talking about the risk factors.  What if this works? what would we do if there are multiple babies? Can we handle twins? Probably.  Can we do more? doubtful.  

So, we decided to go rogue and do the trigger shot and hope for the best on our own.  This time I was definitely not interested in tracking symptoms - shocking!  If this works, awesome! One less expense for us. 

Unfortunately, we found out two weeks later that our experiment did not work and we would be going forward with the IVF process next month. 

let's see how many emotions we can cram into one weekend

I got the news that our test was negative on Friday, February 7th.  With a shaky voice I had to call Ryan to tell him.  The amount of disappointment enveloped us.  How was I supposed to walk back to my desk and work for the next several hours?  I was so close to taking a personal day. 

Our nurse was extremely apologetic, but it didn't matter.  She told me that the success rates of the first round of IUI were way less than the statistics of the second try.  Also, that sometimes the body needs more than one cycle to understand what we are asking of it,  and that we should immediately jump back on the horse and try again for the February cycle. 

After a couple quick conversations with Ryan, I decided that I didn't think that I can handle this same disappointment in 4 more weeks.  We agreed that we should move to the more guaranteed option - In Vitro  Fertilization (IVF).  We ran this by our doctor and he told us that he is fine with it, but we are young enough that we should try IUI again, but it was up to us.  We had a couple days to decide.

We wanted to get back in to see the townhouse we put our offer in on.  Our moms hadn't seen it and were dying to, plus it had been about 6 months since our offer went in and we wanted to make sure it wasn't being destroyed.

The following day, we were able to get in.  We met our moms in the morning, and in a matter of minutes, we were standing in our future kitchen.  The house looked better than I remembered - bigger, brighter, even more perfect.  Yay!!! We sat at the Starbucks down the street and chatted away about how great this place was in so many ways.  We were starting to get happy again.

Our doctor exchanged a few emails with us and explained that if we were to go forward with IVF at this point, we would need to have a full five weeks of a dormant system - aka going on birth control pills to calm my system before the multiple rounds of hormones and procedures.  If we went with IUI, we would be able to start four days later.

We chose to do IUI for the second time.  

must... get off... pinterest....

I am in the midst of the longest week ever.  I decided that I'm pregnant, and my body will just have to learn to adapt.  I created secret boards on Pinterest and let myself dream a little...

I picked out exactly how I want my baby's room to look (regardless of the sex) - modern with a vintage touch.

 Its perfect.  It has everything I could want in a nursery.  Plus, anything I could think of got a pin to my 'Future Baby Bun' board.   From space saving ideas, to cloth diapering tutorials (we'll see on this one), decor, books, you name it, I found it all. 

I figured out exactly how to tell the future grandmothers, imagined my baby shower at my new townhouse (still waiting by the way), picked out my maternity style, what to register for, how to tell the world on facebook... This consumed my week.

Finally, its time to go get re-tested... blood drawn, waiting for the call.

It's negative.  Stop all medication, your period will start immediately.  Tears ensue.

a full year

It's New Year's, again.  Still no baby, but this time we have the promise of our first fertility treatment only a few weeks away.

Our friends who hosted last year were going to host again this year.  It's kinda their thing.  This year, though, was a blizzard.  We quickly got ready at home, with our outfits picked out a few days before and hustled down town.  Listening to doctor's orders, we hardly drank while we were there.  But we noticed, not too many people did.  We must be getting older, because for the first time in years, we all woke up the next morning bright eyed and bushy tailed.  

I wish I could say that I wasn't thinking about our situation while we were supposed to be having fun, but I was.  It is impossible not to think about it.  

Two weeks later, we are ready for IUI.  The first step is to get my levels checked with blood work and ultrasound. When they tell me everything is perfect, it is then time to start clomid.  This is a medication that causes your egg follicles to grow faster than the average woman.  After 5 days, I go back in for an ultrasound to make sure they are at the right size, and they were.  Ryan had a quick trip to Philadelphia but would be back by the weekend.  I convinced my sister to come over to give me my trigger shot - a small injection of ovidrel into my stomach. This caused me to ovulate on command so that 24 hours later, I would be in prime condition to conceive. 

Luckily, our procedure day fell on a weekend so there was no need to take time off work.  The actual procedure was a piece of cake.  Similar to an annual exam.  After about 15 minutes in the exam room, we were ready to hit the road... to wait... again. 

The next week or so was agony.  I was immediately put on Progesterone (the hormone your body gives off in the earliest stages of pregnancy).  The three days following my IUI procedure, I slept about 12-14 hours per night.  I tracked everything that could possibly be a symptom.  If you googled early pregnancy symptoms, I guarantee I had every single one you found - real or fabricated.  Five days post IUI, I went back in for bloodwork to make sure that my hormone levels were where they needed to be.  

My nurse called me back at 10am. Whoa. This was either very good or very bad news cause she usually called me around 2pm.  I could tell immediately that it was good.  She told me that my progesterone needs to be around 20 and mine was 38.5 - SO good!  Her squeals made me so excited!  I told her I was sleeping a lot and she screeched.   Now I was supposed to wait another week before I could go back in for a blood pregnancy test... 

nO Christmas Tree, nO Christmas Tree

It's December and I am getting really tired of living out of boxes... or better yet - tired of NOT using my own things which includes wedding presents.  

I have always been the sibling in charge of organizing presents for any occasion.  Christmas was no different, but I loved it.  Picking out gifts for people is probably my favorite thing.  December is always a whirlwind.  I've always said that once my birthday is over, it might as well be New Year's because the rest of the year is going to fly by.  This year was no different.

By now, every time our realtor sends us an update, it is usually something along the lines of  'nothing new guys... hang in there!'  Boo.  

Our clean out project took up the majority of our time.  It was time to go up into the attic.  There was the typical holiday decorations, old furniture, boxes filled with junk.  But this time things were different.  We were faced with 20-30 small filing cabinets.  Some were small and disposable, some tall and metal - all filled with the same thing.  Commemorative plates.  Collector's items!  Papa was probably not unlike some of your grandparents; looking for an inside deal to invest in.  Well, my dear Papa, catalog plates were not it.  We counted over 250 plates (mostly still in boxes) along with hundreds of strings of Christmas lights (also in boxes).  Once the 20 year old magazines were moved out and the boxes to every VCR they had ever owned were thrown out, it was very easy to get the attic cleaned up.  Keep in mind, this took us probably 5 or 6 days of working during every free minute.  

By mid-month, we were not into putting up a Christmas tree.  It didn't feel right.  This house has had the same tree since I could remember, and I didn't want to put it up wrong and hear the criticism.  Not really something I wanted to add to our plate.

Christmas parties were starting and it was getting really hard to not drink socially.  As someone who doesn't usually turn down a glass of wine at a party, my excuses were getting really lame.   We didn't want people to know where we were in our process because we didn't want the questions.  With the exception of my sister, no one really knew what was going on and only the immediate family knew we were having trouble, but we weren't really sharing much else.  

The week of Christmas, Ryan went in to be retested.  If his numbers went up, we were ready to prepare for our first IUI treatment.  IntraUterine Insemination.  Basically this means that they would put his best guys in the same room with my egg(s) and hope that they get together.

When we saw the right results - we were ecstatic! But kept to ourselves and had Christmas as usual.  Christmas Eve at my dad's, Christmas day at my mom's  Christmas evening with my in-laws.  A new tradition this year that my brother adopted from stories was The Magic of Christmas.  When my dad was a kid, Papa would set up everything Christmas related (tree, stockings, presents, etc) on Christmas Eve, so that the kids would wake up and everything would be there from Santa!  This year, we were going to try and do that same event for my 2 year old niece.  It worked like a charm.

Our Tree from 2012 - let's all take a second to stare at it...

Ready for Christmas - Thanks Mom!

Oh also, it has been the snowiest season of my lifetime.

Finally an update!

Our offer on the short sale has officially gone into underwriting! YESSSSSSSS progress :) :)

After over three and a half months of waiting, we were finally hearing good news.  Our offered close date would come and go, but thats fine.  We can wait it out a little longer.  November is the time for distractions.  Broadway musicals, painting classes, anything DIY and still, cleaning and organizing.

We were in the home stretch before we could move forward with starting our fertility treatment.  

Not much else to report...

a month of downs and ups

We had our planning meeting with our doctor.  He told us that with people in our situation (insurance that is not going to cover much) we need to be very cautious with how we move forward so that we aren't expecting a baby and are broke at the same time.  This sucks.  We want to be as aggressive as possible so that we can have our baby already.  Looks like we are going to have to re-think things. ugh... come on.  There were a couple of options: try to get on the insurance through my work, look for a new job that provided fertility coverage, or pay out of pocket.  The latter was not an option.  

I told my boss the whole situation in a crying closed door meeting.  She was going to do everything she could to get our benefits person to let me enroll - spirits are up.  That same day we found out that there was literally nothing they could do until open enrollment... 4 months away. No, no, no.  I can't wait four more months to get started.  There was only one choice left. 

Luckily, I work for a major company with many options in the Chicagoland area.  I emailed a few contacts to seek after any openings.  After a few days, I heard about a position available in an office that was not too far away - the exact same position I currently held.  This job was mine.  I got in for an interview and nailed it.  It was a two round interview and after each person left, they told me that they were very excited about me.  Now I wait.  I'm used to that.

Ryan travels for work a few times per year, so when there was the opportunity for me to piggy back to Scottsdale for the weekend, we jumped on it.  It was so nice to be away from our life for a little bit.  The weekly updates on the short sale were starting to slow down.  I thought I would have heard back about the job by now, but I hadn't.  As we packed for our early morning flight, I was so discouraged.  Visualizing us living in a 1 bedroom apartment, with an enormous amount of debt and a baby. Not exactly how I saw myself.  Just go to sleep...

As we are on our way to the airport, my phone dings for an email.  Probably junk.  

Whoa.  I was wrong!  It was an offer letter.  More money, better hours, and the really exciting part - full health insurance coverage after a month.   I accepted the offer and reviewed the insurance information.  Wait... am I reading this right?  'infertility and treatment will be treated as any other medical condition'  I have coverage now? I HAVE COVERAGE NOW!!!  

What a great way to start a weekend getaway with the love of my life.  This trip happened to fall about 2 weeks before our first wedding anniversary and we were going to celebrate the crap out of us.  

The last day at my office was bittersweet.  I made a lot of friends in the two years I was there, but it was time for me to go.  I was extremely excited to start my new (same) job, and was counting down the days until the insurance coverage started.

I love hosting parties.  Love it.  It was so obvious that we were going to be the perpetual host of a Halloween party since our anniversary was October 27th.  This was the perfect way to keep our minds off our house and baby situation.  Plus, it was really nice to not act pregnant.  We never knew if that month would be THE month, so since we made the decision, I acted as though I was already pregnant.  No drinking, or very little.  Limited caffeine.  Letting loose was exactly what we needed. 

At our Halloween party in our tattered thrift store outfits

no news is good news?

October 2013

Room by room, we were able to separate the actual crap from the good at my grandparents house.  This was not the easiest task to take on, but we would get on a roll.  Hundreds of trips to the back fire pit, countless full garbage cans.  The house was starting to feel less cluttered (in the behind the scenes areas) and we really felt like we had accomplished something.  

Because we were in the "lets see if the medicine you are both on gets you pregnant on your own" stage, it was nice to have something to distract our minds.  Our doctor gave us from early October to late December.  We didn't see that as a bad thing.   We waited to hear back about our short sale offer and kept busy.

Speaking of short sale offer - there were really no updates to report.  Still hopeful.  Every thing we read says we might not hear for much longer.  So, we will just move to another room and organize it. 

When we moved into this house, we decided that it made the most sense and was the least disruptive to the house to keep all of our boxed belongings in the master bedroom with us.  After about a month or so, it wasn't really a bother.  We had as much as we needed and our offered close date was just a few weeks away.

symptom, symptom, whose got a symptom?

What I am unintentionally leaving out of these posts is the details of the emotional roller coaster I have been on.  I don't know if I blocked those emotions from my memory or I just don't want to remember them... either way.  Every month since the beginning was a symptom searching disappointment.  I was tracking these "symptoms" constantly. I believed everything was a symptom and every couple of weeks, I would get a negative test and hold back my tears.  

During the early months, I tried so hard to hold my disappointment in.  I convinced myself of facts that had no credibility. "it always takes people a year to get pregnant..." or "the first time is always the hardest"  Now, those may be true in a sense, I am not denying that. 

Even after we figured out the problem, I would have that glimmer of hope of a headache "symptom" or  a million other things that I was still so sad every month.  I used to bait Ryan into giving me a guess - do you think I'm pregnant? oh man, he hated that.  When he wouldn't answer,  I would just google early symptoms of pregnancy and be all cheery in my head.

Every month I had a routine of sorts:  after my would-be ovulation time, I would immediately start figuring out when an appropriate time to announce the pregnancy to our family would be... then I would spend hours upon hours looking for the perfect way for that time of year.  Next I would look at ways to announce to our group of friends, and then facebook.  Always looking for new and unique ideas.  Then seasonal maternity clothes, baby shower ideas, and so on.  I know this didn't help my emotions.  

Everyone has told me that I shouldn't be doing things like this... think about something else.  Shut up.  No one asked you.