Could this be more frustrating? We are a year and a half into this and we are essentially starting over. I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally exhausted. Right now, anything will push me over the edge, and it did. I don't exactly what started it, but Ryan and I got into a huge emotional blow out.
Can you blame us? It was the first time we let ourselves get outwardly upset about everything. He is upset that we are going through IVF because of him, I am upset that I have to go through all the shots, procedures, side effects and whatever else even though nothing is actually wrong with me. We yelled, we cried, we let this spill into the next day. When I woke up I was already running late, and not in the mood to talk things out. Crying the entire way to work made me realize - can we handle this? Do we need to seek counseling to help us find a way through this?
Ryan works in the psychology field and understands the need for counseling. When I brought the idea up to him, he was reluctant. And, after a few hours of sitting at my desk thinking about it... so was I. How awkward to be sitting at your desk for 9 hours holding back tears for the entire day. If I let myself slip and think about what was happening in my personal life, I would get red faced and a tear or two would sneak out. People would walk by all day - "are you crying?" and I would respond "no, I just sneezed." They knew.
I spent the next hour or so looking up ways to cope with In Vitro and everything sucked. Start a new hobby... join a support group... have a date night where you don't talk about it. Start a new hobby - ok sure. When? Join a support group - this sounds so depressing. I imagine 20 or so couples sitting around talking about their years of infertility and the huge amounts of debt they are all in while trying to procreate. No thanks. Have a date night where you don't talk about IVF - oh ok.. sure. We won't talk about our fertility issues, instead we can talk about the house we don't have, the fact that our current living situation is about to come to an end, or because we are required to save as much as possible while also reducing debt as much as possible, we aren't sure where we are going to get the money to pay the 20% of charges that insurance isn't going to cover. Give me a break. There is no way to stop thinking about this. I need something else.
That's when A Bunny Life was born. I needed to express myself in a way that would be on my own time, at my own pace and, of course, at no cost. I decided to start this blog with not much in mind. What would I write about... who would even care enough to read this? Does it matter? definitely not. I wanted to tell our story from the beginning of the journey. Besides us, I don't think anyone knows just how trying this has been on us and I think I am finally comfortable sharing it with others. You're probably thinking: Bunny Life? My nickname for about 15 years has been Allibun. Ryan so lovingly changed it to Bun which has evolved to Bunny. It is our little term of endearment for each other, and it seemed to fit so well. During the first few days of blogging, I had so many visions for this page. I wanted to quickly get out as much as I could about the start of our journey to bring us to the current day or week.
I spent my free minutes bouncing back and forth between searching for houses and thinking about my next post. The entire time Ryan is supportive, patient and so caring. He told me that he forgot how rough our year has been but it hasn't slowed us down. We aren't giving up yet. I am sure I left things out, but that's really ok. The next week is about to get real, and I want to write about it as its happening.
Can you blame us? It was the first time we let ourselves get outwardly upset about everything. He is upset that we are going through IVF because of him, I am upset that I have to go through all the shots, procedures, side effects and whatever else even though nothing is actually wrong with me. We yelled, we cried, we let this spill into the next day. When I woke up I was already running late, and not in the mood to talk things out. Crying the entire way to work made me realize - can we handle this? Do we need to seek counseling to help us find a way through this?
Ryan works in the psychology field and understands the need for counseling. When I brought the idea up to him, he was reluctant. And, after a few hours of sitting at my desk thinking about it... so was I. How awkward to be sitting at your desk for 9 hours holding back tears for the entire day. If I let myself slip and think about what was happening in my personal life, I would get red faced and a tear or two would sneak out. People would walk by all day - "are you crying?" and I would respond "no, I just sneezed." They knew.
I spent the next hour or so looking up ways to cope with In Vitro and everything sucked. Start a new hobby... join a support group... have a date night where you don't talk about it. Start a new hobby - ok sure. When? Join a support group - this sounds so depressing. I imagine 20 or so couples sitting around talking about their years of infertility and the huge amounts of debt they are all in while trying to procreate. No thanks. Have a date night where you don't talk about IVF - oh ok.. sure. We won't talk about our fertility issues, instead we can talk about the house we don't have, the fact that our current living situation is about to come to an end, or because we are required to save as much as possible while also reducing debt as much as possible, we aren't sure where we are going to get the money to pay the 20% of charges that insurance isn't going to cover. Give me a break. There is no way to stop thinking about this. I need something else.
That's when A Bunny Life was born. I needed to express myself in a way that would be on my own time, at my own pace and, of course, at no cost. I decided to start this blog with not much in mind. What would I write about... who would even care enough to read this? Does it matter? definitely not. I wanted to tell our story from the beginning of the journey. Besides us, I don't think anyone knows just how trying this has been on us and I think I am finally comfortable sharing it with others. You're probably thinking: Bunny Life? My nickname for about 15 years has been Allibun. Ryan so lovingly changed it to Bun which has evolved to Bunny. It is our little term of endearment for each other, and it seemed to fit so well. During the first few days of blogging, I had so many visions for this page. I wanted to quickly get out as much as I could about the start of our journey to bring us to the current day or week.
I spent my free minutes bouncing back and forth between searching for houses and thinking about my next post. The entire time Ryan is supportive, patient and so caring. He told me that he forgot how rough our year has been but it hasn't slowed us down. We aren't giving up yet. I am sure I left things out, but that's really ok. The next week is about to get real, and I want to write about it as its happening.
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