What I am unintentionally leaving out of these posts is the details of the emotional roller coaster I have been on. I don't know if I blocked those emotions from my memory or I just don't want to remember them... either way. Every month since the beginning was a symptom searching disappointment. I was tracking these "symptoms" constantly. I believed everything was a symptom and every couple of weeks, I would get a negative test and hold back my tears.
During the early months, I tried so hard to hold my disappointment in. I convinced myself of facts that had no credibility. "it always takes people a year to get pregnant..." or "the first time is always the hardest" Now, those may be true in a sense, I am not denying that.
Even after we figured out the problem, I would have that glimmer of hope of a headache "symptom" or a million other things that I was still so sad every month. I used to bait Ryan into giving me a guess - do you think I'm pregnant? oh man, he hated that. When he wouldn't answer, I would just google early symptoms of pregnancy and be all cheery in my head.
Every month I had a routine of sorts: after my would-be ovulation time, I would immediately start figuring out when an appropriate time to announce the pregnancy to our family would be... then I would spend hours upon hours looking for the perfect way for that time of year. Next I would look at ways to announce to our group of friends, and then facebook. Always looking for new and unique ideas. Then seasonal maternity clothes, baby shower ideas, and so on. I know this didn't help my emotions.
Everyone has told me that I shouldn't be doing things like this... think about something else. Shut up. No one asked you.
During the early months, I tried so hard to hold my disappointment in. I convinced myself of facts that had no credibility. "it always takes people a year to get pregnant..." or "the first time is always the hardest" Now, those may be true in a sense, I am not denying that.
Even after we figured out the problem, I would have that glimmer of hope of a headache "symptom" or a million other things that I was still so sad every month. I used to bait Ryan into giving me a guess - do you think I'm pregnant? oh man, he hated that. When he wouldn't answer, I would just google early symptoms of pregnancy and be all cheery in my head.
Every month I had a routine of sorts: after my would-be ovulation time, I would immediately start figuring out when an appropriate time to announce the pregnancy to our family would be... then I would spend hours upon hours looking for the perfect way for that time of year. Next I would look at ways to announce to our group of friends, and then facebook. Always looking for new and unique ideas. Then seasonal maternity clothes, baby shower ideas, and so on. I know this didn't help my emotions.
Everyone has told me that I shouldn't be doing things like this... think about something else. Shut up. No one asked you.
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